Because it all feels so damn comfortable and wonderful at the time that I always selfishly relish in that for at least a little while.
Because my mind is allowed to simply lull and there is no needed effort to lavishly compose superficial conversation that is tiresome and leaves a bitter taste in my mouth.
Because you’ll always be special to me whether I like and admit it or not. And regardless of if you know that, realize that, or even care.
Because despite it all, saying to myself “This is the last time” much to my frustration, never seems to be the case in actuality.
Because I forget In those moments why it should be the last time, why THIS time shouldn’t have happened to begin with.
Because I seem to abandon my beliefs and loyalties in a haze, carelessly and recklessly acting with little to no thought of others, others I care about.
Because in the light of day and in the face of reality I would never be able to indulge without repercussions from my mind, without weight in my heart.
Because the next morning in said light, in front of said reality, I hold my head in my hands in shame, berating myself for my foolishness.
Because I can’t hang on to an empty feeling for much longer without losing a piece of what makes me, me. I don’t want to engage in such stupidity.
Because I can’t risk feeling even more for you than I already do… the thought terrifies me and my weak heart simply can’t take it…
So please, next time, and it breaks my heart and drives me mad to admit that there will assuredly be a next time, please. Just turn me away. If you don’t want me as I am, please, just turn me away.